Beware of Blondes
by Nerdyesque
Summary: Logan is worried Veronica might be going back to Duncan and takes a road trip to Louisiana where he wanders into a bar called Fangtasia. This is a crossover of post-third season Veronica Mars and pre-first season of True Blood. Utter Crack.


Where Everybody Knows Your Name

Logan eyed the cheesy red sign with deep misgivings, but shrugged with the distinct _c'est la vie_ attitude for which he was known. The black bondage Barbie at the door did help ease his fear this was a gay hangout and he cockily flashed his genuine _(for once) _ID when she asked for it in bored drawling tones.

Heavily kohled eyes flashed between the driver's license and his face, a faint vee insinuating itself between blond brows. "You don't look twenty-one, but it says you are." She seemed to debate something, but then shrugged in much the same manner as he did a few minutes ago, and returned the card to him. "You're delicious and desperate. Don't get eaten."

A little taken back by the strange warning, Logan sauntered into the bar and curled his lip at the tacky décor and Twilight-inspired goth club kids morosely standing around. The music wasn't too loud, but had a sinuous beat that rubbed against him like a cat asking for affection; his skin crawled in response to the stimuli and he turned to the long bar in desperation. He needed a drink now!

A luscious redhead in skimpy clothes seemed to be bartending, her hands moving with unbelievable speed as she filled glasses with strangely colored liquid. Logan stared at the short menu posted on the wall and wondered at the weird drink names.

"What do you want, handsome?"

He wasn't surprised by the predatory interest in her eyes, but he was inured to it after years of being subjected to the same gaze; after all, he was a good-looking kid with money to burn and a notorious name. "Jack and coke"

Her smile pulled her lips over sharp gleaming teeth. "You're not from around here are you?"

"Was it my lack of hick accent or the fact I like a man's drink?" The smirk he wore was calculated armor, buffed to a high sheen. The redhead merely blinked at him and set his requested drink down on the bar. It was kinda weird since he hadn't actually seen her move, but Logan waved away the speculation and drank a healthy slug back, relishing the burn in his throat.

"Do you want to start a tab or pay for it now?"

He had no plans right now, especially since Dick and Casey weren't answering their phones, so he took out his black Amex card and slapped it on the bar. "Tab."

After quickly downing five J&Cs, Logan was finally feeling like he wasn't carrying the Rock of Gibraltar on his chest and started looking around the room again. It was busier now as the evening deepened and he saw more leather-clad people were mingling with regularly dressed patrons. The atmosphere had taken on an almost frenetic pace, though Logan couldn't quite explain what he meant.

He just felt an almost tangible voraciousness permeate the building as if an ancient hunger had been awakened and they were all prey to satisfy its appetites. A moment later a very tall pale-haired man stepped from the shadows and sat down on a spot-lit gaudy throne in the center of the room.

There was a rush of appreciation from the females around him that intrigued Logan. He stared at the newcomer wondering what was so special about him, but no matter how hard he looked, he couldn't see what they salivated over with such obvious lust.

"Should I introduce you to him? You might as well know the name of the person you're eye-fucking."

Logan didn't jump at the icily amused voice in his ear, despite not having noticed the speaker's arrival. "He's not my type; I'm not looking for a Daddy."

"You'd be surprised at what he could teach you."

"Thanks Bondage Barbie, but if I want to be bent over and fucked there are plenty of people already standing in line."

"What about on your knees?"

"The only one who puts me on my knees is a thousand miles away." Despite his many resolutions, Logan's voice wavered on breaking.

"I like you."

"Why does the hair on the back of my neck stand up when you say that?"

"Because you're surprisingly smart for a boy?"

He chuckled, and then raised two fingers. Almost instantly there were two more Jack and Cokes at his elbow. "Want one?"

"Not my drink of choice."

"Suit yourself." He quickly finished both drinks in succession, oddly comfortable with the silence between them.

"So what brings you to Shreveport?"

"Is this where, having struck out for one side of the team, you try to tempt me with the other?" Logan finally moved his gaze from the throne to his companion. "I'm not interested in what you're selling, but thanks for stopping by."

"My, my, I haven't been this entertained in years."

Logan blinked when she seemingly disappeared after her comment. He stared at the wet but empty glass in his hand and wondered where the drink went.

"My associate says I must meet you. I have come." The tone was imperious as if Logan should start bowing, and the words were accented. What was it with these two and suddenly popping out of nowhere?

"Hopefully not without telling her. Women hate when you surprise them like that."

The people milling around them froze when the yellow-haired giant threw his head back with laughter. Logan spun around to face the red-head again, only to see she was replaced by a rough-looking Native American looking dude.

"I'm parched, Kemo Sabe. Fill'er up."

"Do not disrespect me again, boy, or I will teach you the meaning of pain."

Logan stared back into the threatening face inches from his own, idly wondering at the length of the other guy's canines. "Somehow I doubt it. You're about a foot too tall and not blond. She taught me everything I know about pain." Sadness pervaded his expression then as he remembered exactly what he was doing here instead back home in California.

Ashamed the giant and the Indian could see his weakness he dropped the glass to the countertop with another patented Echolls smirk. "Eh, fuck it, I brought my own booze."

A large hand reached across him and stopped him from pulling his flask from the inner pocket of his jacket. "I would not do that. You amuse me, but I am a proprietor of a bar and must insist you only consume my alcohol."

Logan looked up the heavily muscled arm to eerie blue eyes calmly staring back at him. "Dude."

A blond brow rose in question. "I am not normally addressed as such."

"Dude." Logan nodded then turned back to the bartender. "Another Jack and Coke please."

"Apparently he was agreeing with you, Master?" Bondage Barbie had appeared out of thin air again and was seated on the other side of her "master."

The giant shrugged in response though he did let go of Logan. "Who is this _she_ you spoke of?"

"I'd rather not talk about her, that's why I'm drinking so I won't remember her name tomorrow morning." He took a sip of the dark liquid in the tumbler before him. "Because God forbid she listen to me when I asked her to stay." Logan felt righteous anger well up inside as he remembered their last fight. "She promised me the last time was the last time, but then this came along and now _this_ is the last time."

"What was the promise last time about?" the giant asked, trying to clear up the confusion Logan's last statement caused in his listeners.

"But of course it's precious _Duncan_ so naturally she had to go running because he snapped his fingers." Logan tried to demonstrate, but his liquored-impaired fingers wouldn't work, so he gave up with a huff. "She _always_ chooses him over me!"

"How boring, another woman done me wrong country song."

He snorted inelegantly. "I wish we were a cliché song, so I can break my gee-tar, kill my dog, and crash my truck, but nooo, it has to be Duncan Fucking Kane and not-so-Lily-Lily."

"Duncan, like Dunkin Doughnuts?"

Logan started laughing uproariously, spilling his drink all over himself with his erratic movements. "Funnily enough, his nickname in high school _was_ Donut. Whoops, I need some more juice, Injun Red."

The liquor was poured but with a dangerous growl that pulsed along Logan's nerves, as some deep-seated part of him screamed _"Run!,"_ but he was never good at self-preservation, especially with Veronica Mars somehow involved, so he ignored it with a deep quaff of amber forgetfulness.

"Duncan always gets away with shit. Sophomore year he broke it off with her without actually telling her he broke up with her, and I had to pick up the pieces." He drew in another long draught.

"Turns out his ice-bitch mom told him he was Ronnie's brother, but it sure as hell didn't stop him from laying the pipe to her when he found her passed out at Shelley Pomroy's party. Did she forgive him? _Of course_ she did, and even got back together with him after dumping me for setting the pool on fire." He looked at the others diffidently. "Okay, I deserved it since I was in a war with the PCHers, but did she have to sleep with him?"

"She dated her brother? This really is a country song."

"No, no. She dated him again after it turned out they weren't related. Of course, in the meantime he dated, slept with, and broke up with Meg for Veronica, but it turned out she was preggers."

"Veronica?"

"Meg! Geesh, are you sure you're not drunk too?"

"Master, can I bite him?"

"Maybe after he finishes his tale; it intrigues me."

"You can't bite me. Ronnie'll be pissed."

"How did the relationship between Ronnie and Duncan end?

"When he ran away to Australia with Lily."

The blond giant looked startled. "Who's Lily? Australia?"

"Lily is his baby with Meg who died. Her parents were abusive and he ran with the baby so they wouldn't raise her. Ronnie is good at her job and fooled the FBI agents tracking Duncan. I think he went to Mexico first with Vinnie Van Low then went to Ozland. He's the son of a billionaire so it's not like money is an issue."

Logan seemed to sink into a funk at the reminder of his rival for this Ronnie person, but his audience of three was unwittingly fascinated by the strange boy's story and wished to know more.

"So, did she become yours after Duncan left?"

"Not right away 'cause she found me with another woman after I confessed my eternal love to her." He pouted into his glass. "She ran out and I thought we were over forever."

"I am not normally interested in human women for more than a quick snack or fuck, but even I know that is bad form."

"Ronnie makes the burning and salting of Carthage look like a fun prank by the Romans when she's mad." A snicker slipped out. "I should tell her that I remembered that from history class."

"When did she come back to you?"

"After I saved her from Beaver on the roof."

"She was attacked by a rabid beaver?"

"You could say that."

"You must live in an interesting place."

"Neptune is what it is, the place with no middle class." He knew they didn't understand, but how could he explain the rampant rot beneath the palm-lined drive-ways and beach front properties to people who never survived living there?

"What happened after the beaver attack?"

"We went to college. Trust me when I say college life with Ronnie is more _Apocalypse Now_ than _Van Wilder_ . She just can't help but get involved." Logan pounded a fist on the bar. "Fucking bitch wouldn't let me protect her and everything went to hell again."

"Why did you not just tell her to behave and act like a proper pet?"

Logan continued on with his rant, not having heard the question. "So what if he was connected-connected? He embarrassed her and almost made her cry! You're not supposed to make girls cry didn't his mom teach him anything?" He thought about the girl in question and amended his statement. "Well, she would've cried if she was a normal girl, but still. He _could've_ made her cry!"

Logan's drunken persona dropped away for a moment and the fierce protectiveness he felt towards Veronica welled up and changed him from a sullen boy into a dangerous man. "You don't fuck with Ronnie and get away with it. _Someone always pays_, that's our code."

When the two blondes nodded in perfect understanding, Logan felt better. "At least you get it! Hell, I beat the shit out of him, shouldn't I get the girl? But nooooo, she goes running back to Piz." His mouth curled with distaste as he thought of the other boy.

"What's a Piz, Master?"

"Sure I beat him up too, but at the time I thought he was the reason for the video. I sacked up and apologized when I realized I was wrong. Did she give me credit? No! I even paid for his hospital bills and the plastic surgeon too. It's not my fault he's can't take a punch or fifty to the face without breaking."

"You beat up two guys for Ronnie?"

Logan rolled his eyes then stopped because it made the room whirl unpleasantly. "Yes, keep up!"

When another drink appeared in front of him, he grinned up at the bartender. "I take back all curses for bad karma, dude. You're alright."

There was a moment of silence, and then the bartender asked, "Why did she go back to Piz? You fought for her honor, so she should be grateful to _you._"

"Well, she didn't go _really_ go back to Piz 'cause she wanted another ride on the Echolls Roller Coaster." When his witticism failed to elicit laughter, he frowned and pointed at himself. "I'm the Echolls Roller Coaster."

Their mutual "ohhhhs" made him feel a little better.

"I thought she went back to him because she _always_ goes back to the other guy when things get rough between us, but it turns out she just went to his dorm to break up with him. She waited until he was out of the hospital." Here his grimace turns into a sheepish pout. "I didn't know. It's not my fault she caught Parker coming out of my room."

Logan swallowed miserably when he remembered the devastated look on her face as she saw the comely blond walking towards the elevator with a satisfied smile on her face; it was too reminiscent of the time after the Alterna-Prom when she saw him with Kendall.

"Parker?"

"Oh, my girlfriend."

"Your _girlfriend_?"

"Yeah, I was dating Parker during this time, but only because Ronnie said I could."

"Wait, wait. Ronnie wasn't yours?"

"Well, she was and she wasn't." When his new friends looked at him questioningly, he elaborated. "Ronnie and I were on another break, and then I went on a Valentine scavenger hunt with Mac, and her roommate Parker was there. She was pretty and blond and not hard, so I pursued her." He stopped a moment to take a swig. "I really didn't want to date her; I just wanted Ronnie to get jealous. Man, that girl can make the earth shake when she's jealous."

His audience thought by his grin he didn't really seem to mind.

"But she said it was okay for me to date Parker when I asked her! How dare she say yes! She was supposed to slap me and run from me so I could chase her, not give me to another girl."

Logan bowed his head a moment so he could discreetly wipe the tears from his eyes. He didn't like thinking about that time in his life when everything was bleak because he was with the wrong blond. Parker was a nice girl, but that's why she was all wrong for him. What did he know what to do with nice girls other than break them into a thousand pieces? He flinched when Hannah's naïve face flashed in his mind.

"You actually asked for permission to take this Parker woman?" The astonishment in the giant's tone would normally make Logan bristle, but given what they were talking about, and the other guy didn't know Ronnie, he took no offense.

"Dude, it would not be worth the hell on earth I would've endured had Ronnie found out another way. Sides, like I said, I didn't think she say yes, though I should've known given she was still pissed about Madison."

"Madison?"

"Some skank I drunkenly banged during our second, or was it our third breakup?" He waved the speculation away. "We've ended our relationship so much I lose track."

"Why would she care about some …er…skank…you fucked during a breakup?

"I told you she gets jealous when it comes to me. Plus, she blames Madison for…" Logan trailed off because he couldn't talk about the rape; it wasn't his story to tell. "Let's just say she had a huge grudge and leave it at that."

"Are you following this, Master? I'm dizzying just listening."

"I feel like I should have a scorecard to keep track."

Logan noticed he still had some of the drink left and drank the rest in a loud gulp.

His audience waited patiently for him to resume his tale of dating woe, but when it became apparent he was done talking, the giant took up the slack conversational reins again.

"So you've lost this Ronnie woman due to Parker and Madison?"

"And Kendall, Hannah, probably Caitlyn too. She seems to think I'm a slut because I use other women to get over her."

"Wow Master, a human equivalent of you."

"So you've been with all these women at the same time?"

"No, they were over the years." He sighed. "We've known each other since we were twelve. I fell for her knee socks and pigtails, then I dated her best friend and she dated mine – Duncan - in high school."

"Duncan the not brother?"

"Yeah. Then our Lily – not baby Lily 'cause this was before that - was murdered and I blamed Ronnie and we became enemies. I did terrible things to her during that year, and it caused all the problems later because she stopped trusting me and never started again. Not really." Logan knew this was ultimately the cause of all their other problems.

Then he smiled. "Of course Ronnie believes in revenge. One time she made a bong and put it in my locker so the local Sheriff found it when they raided based on a tip. Naturally I had to retaliate, so I bashed her headlight in." Logan looked up with a devilish spark in his chocolate eyes. "It was foreplay, you know? Sex was never our problem."

"You had sex with her after bashing in her headlights?"

"Oh God no. We hated one another too much for that; it wasn't until I punched out an undercover Federal agent for her that she even considered seeing me as more than a psychotic jackass." Logan cocked his head to the side in contemplation. "No, she still thought of me as that, but I was _her_ psychotic jackass." He nodded complacently, content he figured out the right wording.

"You…punched out an…undercover Fed…" The giant seemed to be having problems with his words, probably because he couldn't stop laughing.

"Dude, I didn't know at the time! He took her and I went to get her back." Once again fierce intensity wired his lanky body. "You don't take Ronnie from me without a fight."

"So she is your mate?"

"Mate, woman, whatever you want to call her, she's mine."

"Wait, what happened to Parker being yours?" Bondage Barbie scratched her head as she tried to figure out everything that happened, but having little luck piecing it together.

"Oh, she broke up with me after I called her Veronica during an...um…intimate moment."

Logan didn't appreciate the others joining in the laughter and huffed to show it. "Well, I love Ronnie and she's it for me. When I found out she had left Piz, I finally convinced her to take me back and then _Duncan _called, telling her he needed help getting back into the country."

"And you let your woman fly around the world without you while you drown your sorrows in a bar in a completely different state? I assume you fought with her before she left and refrained from telling her what she needed to hear?"

"Pam, have you been reading Dear Abby again?"

"Fuck, I'm stupid." Logan whipped out his cell phone and quickly punched in a few numbers and listened for a few minutes before speaking. "Bobcat, it's me. I'm sorry for being such an idiot, please forgive me? I know you're not going back to Duncan and I'm sorry I got jealous. Love you. See you when you get back from Australia."

Logan sighed deeply and banged his head against the bar. "I know our lives sound like a really bad soap opera, but I swear once we're married it'll all change. No more drama, no more rapists, no more exes, other women, zip, zilch, nada. We'll just be ordinary multi-millionaires and live a quiet life."

Bondage Barbie tapped a long red-tipped fingernail against her pale chin, a calculating look in her unsettling eyes. "Is there a moral to this story? You humans always seem to have morals."

A wide grin stole across his face as love filled his eyes. "Moral of the story: beware of cute tiny blondes."

* * *

******A/N #1: I had a lot of fun writing this because it was interesting to explain LoVe's relationship from Logan's drunken prospective to people who have no idea who they are or what they've been through (so if you haven't seen all three seasons it might not make sense to you; of course, it might not make sense anyway since it's not in chronological order). There are some changes: Logan put Piz in the hospital with his beat-down and Parker didn't break up with him over the fight. Otherwise everything should be canon.**

**********A/N #2: And finis! I have no idea where this randomness came from, other than I'm impatiently awaiting the new season of **_**True Blood**_** and have LoVe on the brain. In some ways, Logan is a teenage human version of Eric and Veronica a spunkier less annoying Sookie. Hopefully you enjoyed it, if you didn't, well it made me laugh ^_^**

**A/N #3: This was originally posted a few years ago (three I think?) but taken down because in my summary I wrote"The_ Bitch_ is Back" - which was the name of the title of the last episode of VM in S3. I debated about reposting it, but I loved this little fictional gem so I had to share it again. **


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